A Reflection on Grief Gatherings by Dan de la Motte
Dan de la Motte, photo by Kai Lutterodt
The names of the participants have been changed.
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye
Cheerio, here I go, on my way
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye
Not a tear, but a cheer, make it gay
Sung Gracie Fields during the Second World War. She could never have dreamt that this song was also chosen by so many gay men to be played at their funeral after they had died of HIV related illnesses.
It was my privilege to host a specially curated Grief Gathering for Fevered Sleep. The participants, with an average age of 75, were all Queer, gay or lesbian. Their lives have witnessed the age before partial decriminalisation of homosexuality in 1967, the creation of the Gay Liberation Front in 1970 (this month celebrating its 50th anniversary), the first Pride March in London in 1972, and the implementation of Section 28 by the Thatcher Government in 1988; the first piece of homophobic legislation in 100 years, which banned ‘the promotion of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship’. And, within the new COVID context within which we all sit, this group had already lived through one major pandemic; of HIV and AIDS in the 1980s and 1990s.
With so much lived experience, how do older Queer people process grief?
‘Grief hangs there’ says Bill. With so much historical trauma shared by this particular demographic within a demographic (being both LGBTQ+ and older) this grief is still very present. For some younger LGBTQ+ people this grief is then inherited, passed down through the generations in a similar way to how younger Jewish people mourn the loss of family they never knew during the Holocaust. Often for Queer people, family and community is chosen, out of necessity and shared experience, and so with this comes collectivised and shared grief.
But out of this community also comes resilience. A survival instinct. Sometimes this toughness is at odds with processing grief and trauma; to be ‘resilient’ does not suggest emotional openness perhaps. It is about protecting oneself. At other times this resilience allows grief to be turned into other emotions. Grief can become anger. Anger at the injustice gay men received during the AIDS crisis. And this anger can be turned into political action. Grief can push a community on to make change. And once these injustices have been conquered the grief can begin to be processed. We see this currently with Black Lives Matter, and before that the Grenfell tragedy and before that the Hillsborough disaster.
‘We keep up a conversation with the dead’ says Harry. This is particularly important for oppressed and marginalised groups. At which point Ed holds photos of two lovers up to his screen. Two men who died far too young from AIDS related illness. Ed shares their stories and as a group we listen and reflect.
I ask the group what they would say to their younger selves. ‘I’d tell her ‘I was right. Things get better’’ says Lorna, who worked as a nurse for dying men in the 1980s. She celebrates the fact that she counts as friends men who have now lived HIV+ lives for over 30 years. And you Ed? ‘I’d say that the pain is still there, but I don’t mind that.’
As we come to the end of the session I ask the group if they would like to say out loud the names of friends and loves ones that they miss. Coincidentally the session falls on the third anniversary of my Nonna’s death, whose migrant life as an ‘other’ unintentionally shaped and informed my own Queer identity. So I go first. ‘Maria Ferdenzi’.
To return back to the present I ask the group to do a simple exercise to take in their surroundings; 5 things they can see, 4 things they can feel, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell and 1 thing they can taste. Try it for yourself if you like. And with that we return to our lives, complete with our scars and echoes and shadows of grief that we carry with us in our daily lives. And that is perfectly fine.
'Till we meet once again, you and I
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye
Dan de la Motte is a Queer performer, curator, producer and activist. @Dandelamotte
You can also hear Dan discussing grief and Grief Gatherings on the Soho Hour radio show with Clare Lynch here (at the 00:15:30 mark).